I receive a lot of suicidal notes from student loan debtors. In fact, I have received so many since 2010, when I posted that simple question (Have you thought about it?), that I eventually received a grant from the Economic Hardship and Reporting Project to write an article about the topic. I have also been cited in numerous scholarly works as a result of my work on the relationship between suicide and student loan debt.
Not all the notes are posted online, some of them land in my inbox.
For instance, in May of 2014, I received the following email from a desperate debtor and war veteran:
Hi, I came across a website tonight that talked about student loan debt and suicide. I am a military veteran and also a person who completed a master's degree in 2012. Since getting my masters degree, I have really struggled with many things. Some of my struggles are related to ptsd from my military service in Iraq but I have found recently my real stress comes from not being able to find a job that pays me a wage that will empower.
Furthermore, I have been divorced since I came back from Iraq, I was not the same person who went over there. I have been unstable with jobs since then and the jobs I did have I have not been able to make a decent living as I have been in and out of homelessness. In fact, I am writing this email while lying on the floor in the living room of my ex-wife house. :-(
I write this email to you just to say I enjoyed reading your post on that website about student loan debt and suicide. I think about suicide given my situation. I feel I have nothing anymore and no one loves me. I am alone everyday in my thoughts and physically. I often feel hopeless, but yet have so many dreams and desires about the career I want to work in after having received my masters degree....
I do not know why I am really sending this email to you. I guess because you mentioned in the comment section to another person who was thinking of suicide that they could email you to discuss things or their thoughts. You seem like a real supportive person and I liked reading your post on that website.
I do not know if you will even get this email since the post I was reading from you were from back in 2011. I hope my email finds you well. I wish I knew you and had you as a friend. In your written words you seem very understanding and have desire to help. For this, I want to keep pushing forward and not end my life.... However, the pain I have and the depression are still there.
Thank you for being there.
I immediately responded to this individual and told him to seek help. Luckily, he replied the next day and told me he took my advice and did find a doctor for his depression and suicidal thoughts. We stayed in touch, and he sent me a follow-up about his situation somewhat recently. Things are far better for this man, something to keep in mind for those of you who are struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts.
Here are excerpts from a recent email he sent to me [I have not edited anything but have redacted a few things to protect this individual's identity]:
Hi Cryn,
Thank you for contacting me earlier today. Where should I begin.... A lot of things have changed in my life since that rough night and time period I was enduring when I sent you my initial email. I can't thank you enough for letting me tell you how I was feeling. You were never judgmental and although you were not near me, I felt comfortable to send my message to you. When you gave me encouragement to keep on going and to seek help though the VA, I felt like someone really cared about me and did not want me to take my own life. Even though you were a stranger who I never met, I felt I had a friend in you who cared about my well-being. Up until that point, I felt very alone and had no one in my life I could talk to. I can't thank you enough! If you are ever in Phoenix, AZ, can I meet you in person? I want to hug you. I also want to be your friend, and I consider you my friend. You seem like an amazing woman. I love how you write. I want to write good too. You have inspired me to become better.
Well, I currently have a job and it is going great! I am a Criminal Intelligence Analyst [. . .] What I love most about my job, is it has put me back on the map in a career field that relates to the college education I worked so hard to get and also my past work experience in law enforcement and the military. I enjoy my work and actually excited to go into work. I have not had this feeling in a very long time.
Once I was hired into my present job, I feel it really helped boost my self esteem. Suddenly I did not feel as hopeless as I had prior to being hired. Finally someone gave me a chance.
I have been receiving treatments for combat service related PTSD at the Phoenix VA Medical Center and it has helped. At least I am not in that dark place I once was in and I am no longer homeless. My goals appear to be in reach once again.
As for my student loan debt, it is an insane amount I owe the government. Since I have only federal loans, I have requested to enrolled in the income based repayment plan. I am still waiting to hear if I have been enrolled or not. The positive for this is my payments will hopefully be more manageable so I can continue to afford to live and not end up homeless again. My only hope now is to work in public service which I think my job qualifies and work for 10 years and the loans will be forgiven according to a law signed by the President Obama. I am going to try and pursue this because it will be my only hope to have these loans go away. However, I still feel under employed with a masters degree. My masters degree still cost me more than the annual salary I am currently making at my job. I wish the government would do employment market studies on every college degree in the U.S. and determine the employment possibility and what types of jobs are possible for each college major.This information could be used by the government to determine how much student loan amounts they will give to say a criminal justice major based on the amount of jobs available and the amount of salary that can be earned in career fields related to that degree program, which would also determine the students ability to pay the loan back if hired in a related career filed.. If this occurred, maybe student loan debt would not rise so high. If the government would only give so much in loan money depending on a certain degree and the employment and salary prospects for jobs related to that degree, then colleges and universities would have to reduce cost and charge tuition for each major individually based on what the government would lend a student to study. This would solve to problem let s say... XYZ University charges $25K a year for a bachelors degree no matter what your major. It is a blanket dollar amount currently If student loan amounts and borrowing more controlled as I explained above, an Art History major may be able to obtain that degree for little of nothing compared to an electrical engineering degree. If the government did not lend out loans the way the system currently stands, then colleges and universities would have to curb tuition hikes or have no students. Just my thought with this debt crisis. I wish I were important enough or had money to get someone in Congress to listen to me and present this idea.. lol
Even with all of my loan debt currently from graduate school, I no longer think about taking my life over it. I don't want to make a permanent decision to a temporary problem. I am going to live my life for the time I have here on Earth whether I have the student debt or I am able to get it paid off or forgiven.
I have been telling myself this: Things may be rough right now, but there have been some positive changes in my life. At times, it all may seem overwhelming and I get depressed in those moments, but these struggles are not the end of my story. I may be struggling now, bu this is not how my story is going to end. I still have goals and ambition to really be someone and establish myself as a professional.
Some of these stories have good endings, such as this one. (Some of them, however, do not have good endings, one of which I will share in my book).
Which means, if you are feeling suicidal, please reach out to someone you trust in your immediate circle. Find professional help in your area (many therapists offer services on a sliding scale), or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline below:
1 (800) 273-8255
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